Restore to Factory Settings

Going to see Doctor in a few hours, see if I can sort my own problems out. Living with an alcoholic for 13 years and then having your own children used as tools to hurt you does cause damage inside. I want the old me back, I think the people around me want the old me back and that is my real reason for going. if it was just for me I don't think I could, it is so much easier to give up, the idea of folding is almost attractive, no more fighting, no more effort, no more pain, no upset just relief, warm calm relief. I really can see how people end up with ropes around their necks, I don't think it is inability to deal with their problems or their pain it is just the attractiveness of it all fading away.Maybe the difference appears too subtle when written here but now I understand there is a real difference. It was not my original intention to write about this but it is totally intertwined with leaving TB and missing my boys. I hope I can get something sorted with the GP today, this is my second real attempt. It would be nice to have myself back to 100%. I think I am all still in here somewhere. Shame we don't come fitted with CTRL-ALT-DEL, the ability to reboot now and then would be attractive.

Still Waiting For Christmas.

Not slept at all tonight; There is nothing new in that but tonight it has been one thought alone keeping me awake, I have to take down the Christmas Tree (it is 20th Jan) I have kept it up hoping to get in touch with my boys and have them here for a day or two so we could have a belated Christmas together, daft I know but have not seen them at Christmas since 2007. Last year the tree stayed up until Valentines Day but even then the kids didn't get to see it. I will take it down in a bit, it is not going to be a good day. Deep Breaths.

Retribution or Stooping Too Low.

Is this right? I keep fantasizing about a time when I have my kids back with me full time and all those people who currently get to see them but don't help me get to see them (their Mother, My Parents, etc.) want to see the boys but have to arrange to do so through me and will only have contact when I say so and if at all. I know this would be wrong, and I really doubt I ever would stoop to this but as fantasies go it is pretty smile inducing. Should I feel guilty for thinking this way or do other people in the same boat feel the same?

Too Much To Ask?

Sat looking at a pile of Christmas presents still waiting to give to my boys (Jan 18th). Just want to have them here and watch them play. Too much to ask?

Cat In The Cradle

I have previously written that I intended to use this blog to get my thoughts in order up to now I have hardly started writing about being an absent father and my reasons for leaving yet I have realized I have a goal when I may be able to stop, a point which will tell me that I have made progress in my own head. It may seem a daft target but I challenge any absent father to take test. What is my goal? To be able to listen to "The Cat In The Cradle With The Silver Spoon" Try it, it is absolutely impossible for me to do this at the moment. Anyone else who can't please comment. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-s5r2spPJ8g

Diabetic Coma

My Tyler is okay but I have only just found out today he was taken into hospital by paramedics when he was found by the roadside with his bike after having a hypo (a diabetic coma, where his blood sugar has dropped so low that he can no longer function). From where he was found it would appear he was heading home after stating to feel unwell. He had the sense to head home but just did not quite get there. My worry is why his mother (TB) has yet again allowed him out without some hypostop or a couple of sweets that would have prevented this. We all make mistakes and I have made more than most but you can't keep making mistakes with your children's lives. If I am absolutely honest I don't know whether I am more upset about him being allowed out without hypostop( a sugary syrup that is absorbed quickly and brings blood sugar up) or sweets or about the fact that no one (including my parents) bothered to tell me. Tyler spent 2 days in hospital and I know he would have liked me there, I would have stayed with him day and night as I have previously but I know TB would have only visited for an hour or two each day. I know I'm moaning a lot maybe it is just the guilt of not having been there for him when he needed me. It is really shit being an absent Dad.

It's All Abuse

One weekend I had my boys they were exceptionally quiet, of course with not having seen them much I was starting to worry they did not want to be with me any more. It became increasingly obvious there was a problem but they did not want to tell me what it was. Reassuring them that what ever it was it could be fixed helped somewhat but of course I was desperate to know and they were desperate to tell but couldn't. I didn't push at all but next time the subject arouse 1 key question came to mind for me "Did your mum tell you not to tell me something?" I had hit the nail on the head they knew something she wanted to keep from me and they were not happy about it. It transpired that they had be told they were moving house and there mother (TB) had spent weeks drumming it into them that I should not be told of the impending move. How can anyone use their children as pawns like this, the boys were so upset having to keep a secret, feeling they were doing wrong if they told me but also feeling they were doing wrong by not telling me something they believed they should. How would you stop a parent using their children in this way?